


love came and told me i shouldn't sleep

by Cazio



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Angst, Awkwardness, Civil War (Marvel), Comfort, Depression, Kisses, M/M, civil war spoilers, gross army boys in love, steve rogers feelings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-11-21
Updated: 2014-11-21
Packaged: 2018-02-26 12:40:11
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,797
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2652386
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cazio/pseuds/Cazio
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>An account of every kiss Steve Rogers has ever given or received. Or maybe only the ones he remembers.<br/>Either way, five hundred doesn't seem like much.</p>
            </blockquote>





	love came and told me i shouldn't sleep

**Author's Note:**

> This fic will be more understandable if you've read Civil War or at least know the storyline. I wouldn't say it's necessary, but at least know the basics.
> 
>  
> 
>   
>  _"I lost my my heart, but what of it_   
>  _She is cold, I agree_   
>  _She might laugh, but I love it_   
>  _Although the laugh's on me."_   
>  _\- Bewitched, Eve Boswell_   
> 

1\.  He can’t remember hundreds of them, so they are all one in his mind. Sarah Rogers kisses his forehead, his cheeks, his chin, his chubby baby feet, his round belly. He laughs and laughs. Sometimes he is crying. She kisses his scrapes and bruises, making them all better. His mother loves him, he knows this.

  
2\.  Rosanne McConnell is staring at him with big blue eyes. Steve swallows hard, gripping tightly to the paper valentine he had spent so many hours drawing on until it looked just perfect. Rosanne is blushing. Steve is blushing harder. She takes the valentine and Steve notices that the colors match her pretty pink dress to a T. Before he knows what’s happening, she pecks him on the lips and darts off across the playground toward the waiting crowd of girls. Steve blinks and looks over to Bucky, who gives him a wink and a thumbs up.

  
3\.  It’s Friday night. Francine Owens puckers her lips after applying a fresh coat of lipstick. She asks him if it looks all right. Steve says it does. She smiles at him and tells him he’s too nice. Steve says nobody can be too nice. Francine laughs, stands up, and steps over to him. Bucky asks if she’s ready to go. “You’re a doll, Steve,” Francine says. Before she heads for the door, she plants a quick kiss on his lips. After she is gone, Steve touches his mouth, and his fingers come away red.

  
4\.  His mother’s friend kisses his cheek. Steve doesn’t know her name. “I’m sorry for your loss,” she says.

  
5\.  Another kiss on the cheek by an older woman. “I’m sorry for your loss.”

  
6\.  A wet kiss on the forehead. “Your mother was so kind. I’m sorry, dear.”

  
7\.  Steve’s face is burning even in the freezing wind. Bucky is not two feet from him, with Carol Hersch pressed up against the wall beside the door to her apartment, the sounds of their kissing echoing everywhere.   
“I had a nice time,” Steve says, so painfully awkward.  
Annie Hersch gives him a polite smile.  
“I should get inside,” she says.  
They lock eyes and Steve quickly leans forward because he knows he’s supposed to. His lips brush hers, but then there’s a thump of Annie’s head hitting the wall behind her.  
“Goodnight,” she says hurriedly.  
Steve watches her put a hand over her lips as if to prevent any more advances.  
He feels sick.  
Carol lets out a moan. Steve glances over for just a split second.  
Bucky’s hand is up her dress.  
Steve rushes down the steps without looking back.

  
8\.  The people of America? They owe you their thanks,” the blonde woman says. Steve is still confused that she’s talk to him. Her voice sounds funny. It’s all low and sultry. “And seeing as none of them are here right now…”She pulls him in by his tie and he closes his eyes, thinking he must be dreaming. Her slender fingers go into his hair and he likes it, but something doesn’t feel quite right.  He knows they shouldn’t be doing this. He doesn’t even know what “this” is. She laves her tongue across his bottom lip.  
“Captain!”  
Steve flies back, a hand immediately going to cover his mouth.  
     

  
9\.  “Come on, how many girls do you think you’ve kissed?” Steve asks as they stare at the stars.  
Bucky shrugs. “I dunno, Steve. It’s not like I kept a count or nothin’.” his voice is slurry. He’s been drinking too much, Steve knows.  
“Guess.”  
Bucky’s head lolls toward him. “I gotta question for ya, Stevie.” His lips curl into a smirk.  
Steve cocks a brow. “Yeah? What’s that?”  
“How many fellas ya kissed?”  
Steve laughs, but he isn’t sure why. “Jesus, Bucky.” He shakes his head. “Time for you to get to bed.”  
“Four,” Bucky says.  
Steve’s blood stops flowing. He looks over at Bucky. “Four what?”  
Bucky stares at him with eyes that aren’t so glazed anymore. “That’s my number.”  
Steve glances around to make sure nobody’s heard. Somehow, he isn’t surprised. Maybe he knew already, somehow. “Well I haven’t kissed any and I don’t plan to. Let’s not talk about it anymore.”  
Bucky smiles so wide it looks like his grin might fall right off his face. “Yeah, yeah.” He sits up. _Thank God_ , Steve thinks. Bucky grabs his canteen, sniffing from the cold. Steve closes his eyes, content to rest outside a little longer.  
Then there are lips on his, soft and warm. And dripping with whiskey.  
Steve eyes fly open and he shoves reflexively, as though he’s been attacked.  
Bucky laughs, devolving into giggles while Steve wipes his mouth with the back of his sleeve.  
“One,” Bucky says. “That’s your number now.”  
Steve’s jaw goes a little slack.  
Bucky stands up, dusting himself off while trying not to fall over.  
Steve swears he heard him say he’s “always wanted to do that” as Bucky stumbles away.  
He touches his lips as though they may shatter.  
The world looks new.

  
10\.  “Keep it steady!” he shouts. There’s wind in his face and Bucky is dead.  
“Wait!” Peggy cries.  
He turns to her and she leans up. He leans down. Their lips meet.  
 Steve knows he loves Peggy, but something isn’t right. She doesn’t taste like whiskey. She isn’t laughing. Something isn’t right.  
“Go get him,” Peggy says, and she looks so proud.  
Steve just stares at her, then at Colonel Phillips.  
“I’m not kissin’ ya,” he says.  
 _Bucky’s dead_ , Steve’s mind tells him. He puts his shield on his back.  
 _Bucky’s dead_.

  
11\.  “I had such a great time,” Megan says, her ponytail swishing behind her. She looks nice, even in a giant raincoat.  
“I’m glad,” Steve says warmly. His whole world is dimmed and overexposed.  
“We should do this again,” Megan continues, unlocking her door. “Unless you don’t want to.” She laughs a little once she steps in the threshold. “Whoa, I think I drank too much wine.”  
“Do you need any help?” Steve asks politely, gently holding her steady with a hand.  
“Well,” she says, turning toward him. Her face is dewy with rain. “There is one thing.”  
Steve opens his mouth to ask what it is when she presses their lips together.  
It doesn’t taste like whiskey.  
Megan gently tugs at his shirt, inviting him inside without parting from the kiss. Steve’s heart is hammering in his chest. He doesn’t love this girl, does he? He only met her a few weeks ago. He doesn’t love her.  
Their lips part and Steve politely pulls away. Politely, politely. “Sorry, ma’am,” he says quietly, but his cheeks are dusted pink. “I’m a little old-fashioned.”  
Megan laughs. “That’s okay. That’s great, actually.”  
Bucky’s been dead a long time.

  
12\.  “I’ll have to remember that,” Megan says two weeks later. She turns with that look in her eyes from before and then her arms wrap around his neck. “You should text me more,” she teases.  
“Sorry,” he says with a chuckle.  
She kisses him slowly.  
He tastes wine. That isn’t right.

  
13\.  She kisses him again, their lips barely parting. Steve’s eyes finally close.

  
14\.  Her fingers slide into his hair and the third kiss is more passionate.

  
15\.  “I know it’s not old-fashioned,” she breathes. Another kiss.

  
16\.  Another. “But stay over tonight.”

  
17\.  He pulls back, shaking his head with a sheepish smile. “I’m sorry, Megan.”  
 _“Come on, how many girls do you think you’ve kissed?”_  
Bucky’s been a dead a long time.

  
18\.  Alyssa. At a restaurant.

  
19\.  Heather. Unexpected, live on TV.

  
20\.  Bailey, restaurant.

  
21\.  Dominique, a nightclub.

  
22\.  Dominique.

  
23\.  Dominique.

  
24\.  Dominique.

  
25\.  Dominique.

  
26\.  Dominique. Something isn’t right.

  
27\.  Joy, at one of Tony’s fancy parties.

  
28\.  Joy.

  
29\.  Joy.

  
30\.  Joy.

  
31\.  Joy.

  
32\. Joy. Slower. She moves against him, her hands at his waist.

  
33\.  “Too much?” Joy laughs, stealing another kiss as she lifts her hands away.

  
34\.  Ashley.

  
35\.  Trisha.

  
36\.  Gabby.

  
37\.  Gabby.

  
38\.  Gabby.

  
39\.  Isi.

  
40\.  Isi.

  
41\.  Isi.

  
42\.  Isi.

  
43\.  “What?”  
Natasha kisses him. It’s incredibly awkward because her lips aren’t moving, but it’s also a relief. There’s never guessing with her. She never makes things seem like they might be more than what they are. He’s glad for that, because it doesn’t feel right. But it does feel good.

  
44\.  Nikka. Bucky’s not dead, he thinks.

  
45\.  “You distracted?” Nikka asks after, slowly, her smile a hint too large. She’s tipsy.

  
46\.  ??? Bucky’s not dead, he thinks.

  
47\.  ???, on the sidewalk.

  
48\.  ???, nightclub.

  
49\.  ???, for a mission.

  
50\.  ???, bar.

  
51\.  ???, Natasha set him up.

  
52\.  ???, a celebrity.

  
53\.  ??? Bucky’s not dead.

  
54\.  Alice.

  
55\.  Crystal.

  
56\.  Lauren.

  
57\.  Lauren.

  
58\.  Anna.

  
59\.  Taylor.

  
60\.  ???, at a diner.

  
61\.  ???, at her house.

  
62\.  ???, with a yippy dog in her arms.

  
63\.  ???, bathroom.

  
64\.  Dana.

  
65\.  Dana.

  
66\.  Dana.

  
67\.  Natalie.

  
68\.  ???, she came with Tony.

  
69\.  ???, a “super” model.

  
70\.  Yassa.

  
71\.  ???, at a pub.

  
72\.  Mariana, a girl he met at another nightclub (he frequents them now, but he doesn’t know why), grabs him and kisses him hard. Steve kisses back because she _does_ taste like whiskey.

  
73\.  Her lips start at his jaw. She’s dragged him to the bathroom and he broke the lock so no one else could get in.

  
74\.  Why does she taste familiar? He doesn’t know her.

  
75\.  Her lips press against his neck.

  
76\.  Lower.

  
77\.  His collarbone.

  
78\.  Lower.

  
79\.  His shirt is off, and so is his mind. He doesn’t know why he’s doing this. Why he feels like he should.

  
80\.  Her lips are on his stomach, then her tongue. He leans his head back and it feels familiar to stare up, up.

  
81\.  Mariana’s mouth it at his waist. She unzips his pants, but Steve doesn’t notice.

  
82\.  Lower.

  
83\.  Lower.

  
84\.  Steve closes his eyes as her lips print one more lipstick stain on his hip line.  
“Christ,” she breathes.  “You oughta warn a girl, baby.”  
Then she’s not kissing anymore—her mouth is doing something else.

  
85\.  He’s breathing hard, his entire body taut and relaxed at the same time. When their lips meet again, she tastes like something else.

_“One. That’s your number now.”_

  
86\.  “Get some water!” Natasha shouts. His head is cradled in her lap. “Get something—hurry!”  
Her lips press against the hand she’s holding. Steve can tell it’s just because she’s nervous. Scared, maybe.

  
87\.  This time when Natasha kisses the back of his hand, she keeps her mouth there, just gently. Maybe it’s not really a kiss, per se.  He doesn’t know.  
“How long has he been in here?” she asks and he can feel it against his hand.  
“I don’t know,” Tony says quietly.  
“Twenty-three days,” JARVIS says.  
“Steve, what were you doing?” Natasha whispers.  
“He needs a doctor,” Tony says. “He’s not a normal person. I don’t know if that means he starves faster or slower.” Tony’s voice is shaking a little.  
“How did we not know?”  
“How were we supposed to know?” Tony snaps, as if he’s been accused of something. “He’s an adult. He lives his own life. I don’t keep tabs on him.”  
“JARVIS—why didn’t he say anything?” Natasha asks, her lips still against his hand, but only the side of her mouth now.  
“You think I’d betray Steve’s trust like that? The only time his cameras are on is when the facial recognition doesn’t recognize Steve. Otherwise, I stay out of his business.”  
“Well something triggered this,” Natasha whispers darkly.  
Her lips lift from his hand.

  
88\.  “What the hell is it then?” Tony asks angrily. They are in a hospital room.  
“I don’t know,” Bruce says. “Honestly, I really don’t have a clue.”  
DUM-E whurrs next to him and gently pats his head. It counts.  
“Dummy, go do something productive,” Tony snaps, then turns back to Bruce. “You gotta give me something.”  
“There’s nothing to give. Tony, he’s choosing to do this.”

  
89\.  A puppy licks his cheek.

He has forgotten how to eat.

  
90\.  The puppy licks him again.

  
91\.  Again.

  
92\.  Again.

  
93\.  Again.

  
94\.  Again.

  
95\.  Again.

  
96\.  Again.

  
97\.  Again.

  
98\.  Again.

  
99\.  Again.

  
100\.  Again.

  
101\.  Again.

  
102\.  Again.

  
103\.  “If a goddamn puppy won’t work, I don’t know what will!” Tony says, sounding exhausted as the puppy gets in one final lick to his face.  
Tony has his head in his hands. Steve hears the puppy scurrying around on the hard floor beneath him.  
Steve reaches over, carefully, gently, and touches Tony’s forearm.  
Tony nearly jumps out of his skin. “Jesus!” Then he moves closer. “God, Spangles—what the hell is going on? Say something to me. Come on.”  
“I saw’m,” Steve breathes. “I saw’m and…” His brows pinned. “He didn’t remember.”

  
104\.  Thor wraps his huge arms around him and plants a kiss on the crown of his head.  
“It fills me with great joy to see you well again.”  
Steve smiles slowly.

  
105\.  He’s never really minded cats, but he really likes this one. He’s fat and all black, and very cuddly. Steve kisses the cat’s head, comforted by the sound of purring.  
He looks up at Bucky, who is watching him intently from the other side of the room, analyzing him, calculating him.

  
106\.  Steve kisses the cat another time and lets it wander back to its owner.  
Bucky scratches it behind the ears and looks back up at him.  
“I know who you are,” Bucky says.  
The sun is hot and scorching through the windows.

  
 _“Four.”_

  
_“Four what?”_

  
_“That’s my number.”_

  
107\.  It’s snowing hard and Steve is curled at the far end of the couch, his head lolling as he dips in and out of sleep.  
“Time to get to bed,” Bucky says with a chuckle, ruffling his hair.  
Steve sits up, startled.  
Bucky laughs. “Come on, bed.”  
Bucky’s lips press a chaste kiss to the crown of his head.

  
108\.  “I think,” Bucky says, “I remember.”  
Steve scrubs his face in his hands. “’member what?”  
Bucky doesn’t answer.  
When he lifts his head, Bucky is there.  
Their lips meet slowly, gently.  
It doesn’t taste like whiskey.  
It is so _so_ much better.

  
109-137. Steve’s lips are swollen and tingling and bruised all at once.

  
138-160. He is in love.

  
161\. “Hey!” Bucky calls and Steve stumbles back through the threshold of the front door.  
“What?” he asks, shrugging his shoulders to get his shield just right between his shoulders.  
Bucky kisses him slow. “Be safe. Next time, I’m comin’ with.”

  
162\. “You look tired,” Steve says after his bloodied clothes are peeled off and he is wearing fresh cotton. “Stayin’ up all night?”  
Bucky stands up from the table and slumps into his arms.  
Steve laughs, tenderly kissing his forehead. “Let’s get you in bed.”

  
163-191. He works too much.

  
192\. “You promised,” Steve reminds him, his lips pressing to the dip between Bucky’s shoulders.  
“Mm,” comes the groaned reply.

  
193\. Steve moves to the nape of Bucky’s neck and kisses there.  
“Five more minutes, babe. Please,” Bucky groans.  
“Fine, fine. But I’m getting ready.”

  
194\. An hour later, Bucky slinks into the living room. Steve doesn’t look away from the TV, he just offers a plate of pancakes and adjusts his blanket so that Bucky can slip in beside him. No run today.  
Bucky curls up on his side like their fat black cat that’s resting beside Steve’s elbow.  
“Tired?” Steve asks, finally turning his head. He reaches over to ruffle Bucky’s hair.  
Bucky meets his lips for a tender, sleepy kiss.  
“Tired.”  
Bucky plops his face into Steve’s side.

  
195-264. He has never felt a greater happiness.

  
265\. Candles flicker in their bedroom, making it smell like Christmas. Steve likes the smell.  
“I love you,” Bucky says.  
Steve kisses him without thinking.

  
266-293. He is more in love than he thought.

  
294\. Steve crawls back into bed and into Bucky’s waiting arms. He presses his lips to Bucky’s cheek.  
“What’s this movie called again?” Bucky asks.  
“The Notebook,” Steve says. “Tony says that we’ll like it, but not to read into it too much.”  
“Read into what too much? The notebook or the movie?”

  
295\. “I hate that fuckin’ movie,” Bucky says, his face buried into Steve’s chest.  
Steve rubs his back and kisses Bucky’s head. “It’s okay, Buck. It’s just a movie.”  
Tony is going to get his ass kicked.

  
296-350. Tony gets his ass kicked and Bucky rewards Steve in the best ways he knows how.

  
351\. Bucky is sprawled on his lap, reading a book. Steve reads the paper, idly scratching Bucky’s head. The cat is fatter now, its round yet firm belly spilling out so that it takes up almost an entire pillow.  
“Really though,” Steve asks. “How many girls do you think you’ve kissed?”  
Bucky puts down the book.  
Then he swats Steve’s newspaper out of the way.  
“How many have _you_ kissed?”  
Steve shrugs, his brows pinned. “I don’t know.”

  
352-360. Maple syrup kisses.

361. Steve leans down, pressing wet lips softly to the cat’s furry black belly. “Bye-bye,” he whispers, stroking the sleek black fur.

  
362\. He kisses a fluffy whiskered cheek.

  
363\. He holds a black paw to his lips as he cries.  
The big black belly doesn’t rise and doesn’t fall.  
Bucky says nothing, staring at the wall.  
The veterinarian leaves them.

  
364\. They walk down a beautiful street, hands clasped together. The sidewalk is buckled from cracks and roots and weather.  
“How many fellas have you kissed?” Bucky asks slowly.  
Steve turns, smiling.  He leans over, capturing Bucky’s mouth with his own.  
“One.”

  
365-395.  He wonders sometimes how life would have been if Bucky had never come back.

  
396\. “Don’t train too hard today,” Steve says. “I should be back by midnight at the latest.”  
He pecks Bucky’s lips goodbye.

  
397\. Steve can’t see through the smoke very well, but he drops everything anyway, able to recognize the movement of the oncoming shadow.  
Buck slams into him and holds him tight.  
The acrid air around them makes Steve’s nose hurt. He returns the embrace, pressing a soothing kiss to Bucky’s cheek.

  
398\. Another gentle kiss.

  
399\. Another.

  
400\. “As soon as I saw it I thought you might be—“  
Steve cuts him off with a press of his lips. “I wasn’t. I’m right here.”  
“Thank God,” Bucky sobs, shaking hard in Steve’s arms. “Thank God.”

  
401\. Steve kisses the crown of Bucky’s head.  
“All those kids though,” Bucky whispers.  
Steve holds him tighter.

  
402\. “I’m just going to talk to him,” Steve says, squeezing Bucky’s hand.  
“Be careful, Steve.” Bucky knows better than to try and deter him. “I’ll be right here.”  
Steve pecks his lips. “I know.”  
Avengers Tower looms above them. Stark’s tower. Tony’s tower.

  
403\. Bucky holds his face, glaring at him. “You ain’t leavin’ me.”  
Steve lifts his hands to fold over Bucky’s. “It’s what’s going to keep you safe.”  
“I’m safe with you,” Bucky snaps, but Steve can see he’s scared.  
Hell, Steve is scared. He presses his lips to Bucky’s to soothe him.

  
404\. “Steve, I wanna help. I wanna be—“  
Steve cuts him off with another kiss. “Buck, Tony promised me he wouldn’t hurt you if you just stayed neutral. He knows you’re on my side. Everyone does. But just stay out of this fight. I need to know you’re safe. That’s the only way I can do what I need to do.”

  
405\. Bucky’s lips stay for a long time. “Okay,” he says, defeated. He buries his face into the crook of Steve’s neck. “Okay.”

  
406-419. Soothing kisses. Salving unmade wounds.

  
420\. “I love you,” Steve whispers later as he draws away, their lips only a breath apart.

  
421\. “I’ll be here,” Bucky says, gripping Steve’s shirt tightly as he kisses him again. “And you know I love ya. You know that, right?”

  
422\. “Of course I know that,” Steve says in a shaking voice. “Of course I know.”

  
423\. It’s damp and dark in the underground shelter, but Steve knows that’s just because his mind tells him it’s supposed to be.  
“I had to see you,” Bucky says with a kiss to his jaw. “I can’t stay up there anymore.”  
Steve turned to him, frowning. “You have to. It’s almost over, Buck. All of this is going to end soon.”

  
424-428. Bucky kisses his knuckles where they are skinned and bloodied. “You’re hurt, Steve.”  
“’m fine. I won’t be fine if you join us and put yourself in danger.”  
“I gotta fight,” Bucky says.  
“No. Tony would use you to get to me and I wouldn’t let him hurt you. I’d throw out this whole thing for you, which is why you have to stay safe.”

  
429-450. Steve can feel it in his bones, how much Bucky misses him.

  
451\. Bucky’s lips are hot on his neck and Steve claws tight at Bucky’s hair.  
“I’m sorry,” he pants.

  
452-492. Bucky tells him not to be sorry. He listens. He forgets how to feel anything but like he is Bucky’s whole world.

   
493\. Steve kisses Bucky long and slow, holding his face with a hand, the other on the door handle to the outside world.  
“I love you,” Steve says.  
He opens the door.  
Bucky slips away before he has a chance to kiss him again.

  
494\. A metal fist slams into his mouth, wrenching Steve’s head off its hinges-or so it feels.  
He falls to the dirt.  
Tony stands above him and readies his blasters.

  
495\. His eyes are swollen shut, but he feels lips touch his.  
The cuffs on his hands bite his wrists because it isn’t Bucky who kisses him.  
“Not so strong now, are you, Captain?” a woman’s voice says.

  
496\. A water bottle is pressed to his lips and he drinks greedily, his hands still bound though he does not fight.  
“I’m sorry, Steve,” Tony says. He sounds angry and exhausted. “I didn’t know they weren’t giving you food and stuff. That’s my bad. I'm sorry.”  
A pause as Steve sucks down more precious water.  
“Court date’s tomorrow. I’m sure Bucky will be there. Regardless of the verdict—we all know what the verdict’s gonna be though—you’ll have time to see him, okay? I’ll make sure of that.”  
The water bottle is gone.

  
497\.  Steve sees the red dot on the man’s jacket, jittery and glowing.  
“No!” he screams, and leaps forward on the courthouse steps.  
Something presses to his neck softly, gently.

  
498\. His stomach, harder.

  
499\. Again on his stomach.

  
500\.  Death draws away and stares at him with cavernous eyes. Steve tastes cold bone and emptiness, then nothing at all.  
  



End file.
